Under Pressure

“You know I’m really concern about your state of health. First you still smoke like a chimney and also how your lower-joints would support your bulk in the future darling? All you have to do is try at least once lah. You’ve got nothing to loose except those excess pounds blasted off of your waistline. Look at me, am I not gorgeous now?” Mom said to me once again -after several attempts- to take me to a Shinse last week.

Finally (and open-minded-ly I might add) we reached an agreement. First, I would only go there with her by my side to create the grand introduction to Pak Leo, the Shinse (Chinese traditional medical practitioner). Second, refusing to drive that far in the traffic-ladden Pluit, I asked for her driver instead to take us there. And third, I would have nothing that would involve any electrocution device and thorny instruments (aka needles) .

Got there pretty early for his terms of services, it was almost 11 before noon. Patients were lining up already. For the joint problems, for the lymphatic circulation problem, for the non-surgical eye corrections, for beauty treatments, and of course for people like me with the weight problems that I had been having for the last 7 years or so.

Sat meself on the bench I did after reaching the waiting room. Mom then walked in to talk to the administrative staff. Several seconds later she called me in, disregarding the long lines outside, I was aghast. This was truly what I call: Like Mother; Like (her gay) Son. We are impatient people and we don’t wait in lines. If there’s a “toll-way” -the way she described it- then why would we have to go through the regular lane?

Even after being fast-forwarded to the first in line, we still had to wait for the Shinse to come down for an hour or so. The wait was semi-nerve-wrecking for me though: These skilled masters will read you like a book whether you want it or not. His mind would operate in an Alpha wave (on 8-13.9 Hz) or even below (like Theta or Delta) in order to heal people and cleanse their illness (or at least that’s how I felt). Oh yes, he was going to read through me. What if he was then a big homophobe? What if he wouldn’t support my ubber-being?

Calming myself I closed my eyes and used a simple yoga breathing technique that a friend of mine taught me. Cherished the intake and the exhale of every breath, my mind started to go to that state of being totally aware and sleepy but still conscious. I then felt content and deeply relaxed. That was of course before the utter disturbance of the nasal sound that Mom would yell in, “Hey Jerry, how are you? Is Dad still upstairs?” He replied promptly that his father would be down very soon. With that masculine raspy voice softly crawling through my earlobes I opened my eyes. Gosh this Jerry guy was actually so cute. He was a what-were-you-thinking type of fashion-perpetrator, but somehow the odd pairing of striped work shirt (with buttoned-sleeves) and his khaki cargo pants made him somewhat sexy in enveloping his nice frame and rather sweet face. Oh, the temptation! I even asked Mom if we could be treated by Jerry instead the next time we got there (and she gave me a look of disbelieve!). So, thankfully before my mind went off further, finally the dad descended from the throne upstairs.

So this is him. My first impression was mixed between a half-drunken master yet he also sported that well-regarded shaman aura. Soon it all came to an end when he sat me on a chair, touched my knees and he pointed to me exactly the places where I suffered my past gout attacks. I gulped. According to his readings, the reason why I found it ever-so hard to loose weight had a lot in common with the toxins that caused my gout attacks. They were blocking the nutrients from being absorbed into my body and also blocking the way for excess waste to the bodily drainage system. The scary part was that the entire left-side of my body is ridden with those impurities. That’s why I had these migraines, muscle aches/cramps, and gouts attacks in which only happened in the left side of my physical being. Simply, I was stunned.

Later on I found him cordial if not highly likeable all together. He shared his tips not only how to live a healthier lifestyle, but also general tips from "how to manage people in your company with heart" to "how to attract returning customers". Gawd, -sekali tepuk dua lalat- people said (swatting two flies at once). And get this, he wanted me to shave my beards so that would attract more women he emphasized. Yippey. Life is great!

Along the way, it was also rather scary that I could feel his energy traveled through my veins without even touching my body. While the method of locking the hunger-gate by intrusively pressing his fingertips on my omentum was weird, but that was nothing compared to the pain that I had to tolerate while performing his acupressure know-how on my earlobes. And of course the not-so-funny thing was that I had to endure the pain while focusing to his instructions on the diet program he was designing especially for my needs.

In three days he said that the toxins would be flushed out, the muscle and gout pains would be elevated, but the gone-wrong system had to be treated again when he is due back from some jobs abroad in October he said.

So these are the major things that he wanted me to chant daily:
1. Have a determined mind to reach this goal
2. Be happy (being mad or being sad will actually stop the system from working)
3. Be grateful and have a high acceptance on whatever the Lord gave me to enjoy or even to endure.

Later that night when I saw my bebe, I even gave him two more news, in which jollified him: The bad one was that since I couldn’t eat, drink and be merry as usual for the next two weeks or so, thus this highlighted the fact that my cigarettes were the only consolations that I would have. But the good thing was that I didn’t have as much desire to smoke as before, even the cigs tasted like they’d been dipped in someone’s arse fer Pete's sake.

Furthermore, wait, did Mr. Shinse said that I wasn’t allowed to have sex? Lemme retrace his instructions. Hmm.

All I can remember was the nice words that he left me at the end of the session: “I know you will succeed in whatever thing you are doing later on. I see that you possess a righteous mind and a very kind heart”

That stopped my heart from beating for about a second. One of the nicest things that anyone ever said to me ever!

So friends I am sorry to inform you, that you wont see me eating and drinking my regular rations the next time we hang out. But I strongly hope that you’ll see me in one of those cosmo-hunk calendar supplements by next year. Yeah yeah, I know it’s a stretch, but one has to start somewhere.